


A Message to Bring Myself Here

by Danceintheflames



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Character Death, High School AU, M/M, Pen Pals AU, character with cancer, kid!AU, no powers au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-30
Updated: 2015-06-05
Packaged: 2018-04-01 22:09:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4036321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Danceintheflames/pseuds/Danceintheflames
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on another prompt I found on <a href="http://moriartystayingalive.tumblr.com/post/119060212366/school-aus">tumblr</a>. "We're pen pals who have been writing to each other since we were children. We go to school across the country from each other, and one day, out of nowhere, you write me a letter saying you're going to be in my city for a week looking at unis."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Elementary

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm tweaking this prompt a little because technology is a thing and it makes more sense to me to have them exchange phone numbers and continue their friendship through texting when they get older.
> 
> The rating will go up as the story progresses, as there's going to be more mature content.

Ms. Carter turns to her third grade class. "Okay class, today we're starting a new project. You will each be assigned a pen pal. That means you'll be given the name and address of a person that lives somewhere else in the country. You'll write them a letter and get to know them." She walks around the room passing out slips of paper with names and addresses from Mr. Coulson's class in San Diego, California. Steve looks at the slip he was given, _Bucky Barnes_ , he snickers at the name and starts thinking of things he wants to ask this Bucky kid. Like if he prefers the Power Rangers or The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Finished handing out slips, Ms. Carter moves back to the front of the room and instructs her students to start on their letters.

Steve looks at his blank piece of lined paper. "Dear Bucky" he writes. Tapping his pencil against his lip, Steve thinks.

_Hi, my name's Steve but your teacher probably told you that. I'm in Ms. Carter's third grade class in Brooklyn, New York. My favorite subjects are reading and art. What are yours? I really like playing tag at recess even though I'm not supposed to because of my asthma. Sometimes I play too hard and I can't really breathe. It's ok though because I always have my inhaler. It scares my teacher and my Mama when I get like that. I also get sick a lot too. Anyways, what's your favorite game? Do you like movies? My favorite is Toy Story._

By the time he has all of this written down Ms. Carter says it's time to start their reading assignment. Steve finishes his letter after school and his mother mails it for him on her way to work. A little over a week later he gets his first response:

 _Dear Steve,_  
  
_I'm Bucky and I'm in Mr. Coulson's third grade class in San Diego, California. I like math and reading. I'm no good at art but it's still fun. I like tag too but kickball is my favorite. I'm sorry about your asthma and that you get sick a lot. I'd have my Ma send you her famous chicken soup but she says she can't 'cause it'll go bad. What's your family like? I have a Mom, Dad, and a little sister, Becca. She's a pain. She always follows me and my friends around even when we tell her to stop. Then she goes crying to Ma and we get in trouble. It's the worst. Toy Story is my favorite movie too! Buzz Lightyear is the coolest. I also like sports, especially Football. What about you?_

The boys go back and forth, telling each other about all their favorite things. By the end of the month the project is over and Steve sends Bucky one more letter, telling him he doesn't want it to be his last. Bucky agrees and they stay in touch through the end of the school year.

***

By the start of the next year Steve and Bucky are still talking. Steve's' best friend Sam makes fun of him for it. "Hey teacher's pet, that project was over a long time ago , you don't have to keep writing to this kid." He claps Steve on the shoulder, jarring the blond.

Steve readjusts his glasses before glaring at his friend. "I know I don't have to, but he's my friend. I like talking to him." Sam just smirks.

Bucky and Steve continue writing all the way through Elementary school, sharing secrets, inside jokes, fears, and dreams. By the end of 5th grade the boys express their anxieties about switching schools and going into Middle School.


	2. Middle School

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter follows the boys through their Middle School years. New ways to communicate, school dances, and drama await them.

**WinterSoldier: Hey Stevie!** Steve's computer dings, notifying him that he's got an IM. He smiles at the familiar screen name.

**CaptainAmerica: Hiya Buck. What's up?**

**WinterSoldier: This week's never gonna end!!!! There's a dance on friday and I can't wait!**

**CaptainAmerica: U'll live, man. Calm down.**

**WinterSoldier: :P Will not. U doin anything fun this weekend?**

**CaptainAmerica: Nope, just playing Counter Strike.**

**WinterSoldier: Lame. I'll be able to play at sum** **point.**

 

Some time over the summer Bucky suggested they start using AIM to communicate, as it was faster than waiting for letters to arrive. They picked screen names based off inside jokes, Steve's due to his birthday being the 4th of July and Bucky's came from his love of winters (Christmas break, really) spent snowboarding in the mountains with his family and his absurd skill at Counter Strike. Steve looks up from the computer when he hears the door to the office open.

Sarah Rogers leans in the doorway. "Honey, it's getting late, time to say good night to Bucky and get ready for bed." 

"Awe Ma, can't I have 10 more minutes?!"

"No. You're just getting over a cold, you need to sleep." She crosses her arms over her chest and waits. 

"How about 5?"

"Steven Grant, I want you upstairs and in bed now."

"Okay fine." Steve grumbles and tells Bucky goodnight. He leaves the office, pushing past his Mother and trying not to spare her boyfriend, Brock a passing glance. He's half cocked and almost passed out anyway.

"You just gonna walk by without saying goodnight?" Steve stops.

"I'm sorry, Sir, good night." Steve keeps his head down and his tone as steady as possible.

"That's what I thought. Now listen to your Mother and get to bed."

***

On Saturday Bucky regales Steve with his experience at the dance.

**WinterSoldier: Tasha totally kissed me! She just walked right up and did it!**

**CaptainAmerica: Awesome!** Steve takes a moment before responding, wondering why it makes him feel weird. His best friend just had his first kiss, he should be happy for him. In the end he doesn't really know Bucky anyway. It's not like they'll ever meet in person. Steve gets lost in thought for a moment, wondering how this kid who lives on the opposite side of the country became so important to him. 

**CaptainAmerica: Sry I couldn't get on last night before the dance, Brock was being a turd. I really don't like him, he's a creep.**

**WinterSoldier: It's ok man, I get it.**

They continue their conversation, and complete a mission in Counter Strike before going their separate waysfor the night.

***

It's been two weeks since Steve's screen name last popped up on Bucky's buddy list. It's not completely uncommon for Steve to go MIA for days at a time, but never more than a week, no matter how ill he is. Bucky's starting to worry. 

Two days into the third week he hasn't heard from Steve, Bucky gets fed up and sends him an email.

 

**Hey man, just making sure you didn't drop dead on me. Get back to me asap? Hope you're ok.**

 

**-Buck**

Three more days pass before he finally gets a response. He sighs in relief when he checks his inbox for the tenth time and finds a message from Steve.

 

**Hey Bucky, no need to worry, I'm fine.**

 

**-Steve**

 

He doesn't know why but his heart clenches when he reads the message. If Steve were fine he wouldn't have gone missing for two weeks. Now Bucky can't help but worry.

 

 

 


	3. High School

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The high school years. Confusion, pining, and two things come to light.
> 
> *warning for mentions of abuse in this chapter.

The first day of high school finally sneaks up on them. The final day of summer is spent stuck in Steve's sketch pad. The blond's phone vibrates, his attention drawn from the form on the page, bright eyes and shaggy brown hair left down. Lips form a pout that Steve wants to see in person. He picks up his phone and smiles when he sees who the text is from.

 **Bucky: You'll be fine, Stevie. There's no need to freak out.** He smiles and taps out a response.

 **Steve: I know Buck. Thanks.** A few moments later he receives another message, again from Bucky. This one is a selfie, the brunette's hair is wind blown, by the looks of it he's at the beach, and he's giving the camera a mock serious expression.

 **Bucky:** **You sure?  I know how you get yourself worked up. Wouldn't want you to hyperventilate and die on me. :P** Steve actually chuckles at this. It warms his cheeks that his friend cares that much, knows him that well despite never seeing him in the flesh. Even if it is disguised with humor, Steve can't squash the wave of affection whenever Bucky reminds him how much he cares. Steve sends back a selfie, making sure his hair is artfully messy and flashing the camera his best charming smile. He hopes it's not too much.

**Steve: Still kicking. You can't get rid of me that easily.**

***

When Bucky's phone goes off again he's pleasantly surprised at the picture of Steve. He's sitting on his bed, giving the camera the reassuring smile he always sends when he knows Bucky's worried about him. The brunette smiles back at his phone. Before he realizes what's going on, Natasha plucks it from his hand as she sits opposite him at the picnic table. Before looking at the message that so obviously has her friend so happy she flicks his ear. 

"Any particular reason you're sitting here eye fucking your phone instead of spending your last day of freedom swimming?" She looks down at the iphone in her hand and coos, "awe it's your lover boy. How cute. Have you asked him to marry you yet?" Bucky tries to yank his phone out of her hand but she wrenches it just out of his grip at the last second. She's smirking at him when she finally hands it back to him. 

Bucky glares at her but there's no heat behind it. "It's not like that - he's not like that." He sounds defeated. Natasha smiles encouragingly at him.

"You've talked to him about that? About liking boys too? And liking him?" Bucky scrubs a hand over his face and she puts a hand on his shoulder.

"Well no. But wouldn't he have sent something kinda obvious if he was like that?"

Now Natasha smirks. "Have you?" Bucky looks at her with wide eyes, the thought dawning on him.

"No." She runs her fingers through his hair and smiles at him.

"Maybe that's a conversation you need to have. Now lets go swim." He puts the phone down and grabs her hand, walking to the water, where Clint and Dum Dum are waiting.

***

The next few years fly by. Bucky sits at the kitchen table, pouring over college brochures. He's stuck between two schools. UCLA and Fordham. UCLA is closer to home, he wouldn't miss his family and he could come home pretty much whenever he wanted to. But Fordham is in New York, and New York has Steve. Fordham also has a good English program, which he really likes. His mom said they can fly out and see the school. Bucky can't wait. He sends Steve a text, he's been quiet lately.

**Bucky: Stevie! I'm looking at schools and Mom and I are gonna visit Fordham. We're flying out for my April vacation. I'm coming to New York!**

Bucky won't let himself admit that he's disappointed when Steve doesn't get back to him right away. He figured his friend would be excited. Before he lets himself get too down he rationalizes that Steve's probably just sick again and is sleeping it off.

Hours later, when Bucky is just finishing dinner he gets a call. It's Steve.

"Stevie? What's up?" He tries to keep the worry from his voice.

It's silent for a beat on the other end. "Hey Buck. I got your text, that's great! I can't wait for you to get here." His voice sounds strained, like he's been crying. Bucky tries to breathe past the tightness in his chest.

He hesitates, biting his lip. "Are you okay?"

More silence on Steve's end. "Yeah, I'm fine, don't worry." Bucky's not convinced,

"You know you can tell me anything, right?" He really hopes he's not pushing his boundaries.

"I know, Bucky." Now Steve just sounds tired. Bucky relocates to his bedroom.

"I'm sorry if you feel like I'm mothering you, I just worry is all. Sometimes you disappear for a while and I wonder if it's because you're too sick to talk or if there's something else." The atmosphere changes and Bucky wonders if Steve's going to blow up at him.

Steve sighs. "I guess there's no use in hiding it, is there? You know my Ma's boyfriend, Brock?" He waits for Bucky's answer.

"Yeah." The brunet chews on his lip.

"You remember when I first told you I didn't like him? Well it's because he's a raging douchebag. And tonight he went too far. He took his anger issue out on me a lot when I was growing up. Tonight he tried to put his hands on Ma. I couldn't let him do that, Buck." Bucky's eyes go wide, panic and anger grip him.

"Is she-are you alright?" It slips from Bucky's lips before he can even think.

"Yeah, just a broken wrist and a few bruises, nothing that won't heal. He didn't touch her though, and that's what I care about. She called the cops and he's been arrested. We're looking for a new place to live, so he can't find us. We'll still be in the city though."

Bucky closes his eyes and lies back on his bed. He sighs, "I'm just glad you're both alright."

Despite the heavy conversation, Bucky thinks he can hear Steve smile on the other end. "And you're coming to New York. This is great!" Bucky smiles too.

***

The second they get to their hotel room, Bucky drops his suitcase and flops onto the hotel bed and immediately pulls out his phone. 

**Bucky: I'm here! We just got to the hotel. Mom wants to get settled but we're planing to venture out for food eventually.**

**Steve: Awesome! When's your tour of the school?**

**Bucky: Noon tomorrow. The rest of the week I'm all yours.**

***

Steve blushes at the text Bucky sent, he couldn't possibly mean it the way it sounds. He probably didn't even think about it. He tries not to dwell on the possible meanings of the message when he looks up to find Tony smirking at him.

"What?" He tries to sound annoyed instead of flustered. It only makes Tony laugh. 

"What'd your boyfriend say that's making you blush so hard?" Steve really wants to punch the shit eating grin off Tony's face.

"He's not my boyfriend. He probably doesn't even swing that way."

"One way to find out." Steve looks at him, eyebrows raised and thoroughly unconvinced.

"And what's that?"

"Kiss him. At some point while he's here, get him alone, and just do it."

Steve snorts. "And what happens when he freaks out because his friend who he's only just met in person tries to put the moves on him?" Tony rolls his eyes so hard Steve's worried they might fall out.

"Please. I've watched you flirt with him since you were in middle school. He definitely likes you, just take a chance!" Steve shoves him.

"You're impossible."

***

Bucky tries to pay attention to the tour, he really does, but it's hard to get the skinny blond he's about to meet out of his mind. From what he does pay attention to, he really likes Fordham. He can see himself fitting in here. And being close to Steve won't be bad either. He's looking into NYU for their art program. He's shown Bucky some of his work over the years and it's some of the best Bucky's ever seen. His favorite is the hand drawn birthday card Steve sent him when they were 13. It's just a simple picture of the two of them, based on the pictures he'd sent Steve. He captured his likeness almost perfectly, even then.

By the end of the tour Bucky is getting antsy and Winifred allows him to run off and meet his friend at their designated spot, Central Park. Bucky gets there first and loiters near a bench. Too nervous to sit he shoves his hands in his pockets of his skinny jeans and tries to calm himself. He pulls out his phone, opening the camera and flipping it so he can use it as a mirror, making sure his hair is alright. He hears a deep chuckle from behind him. When he turns he sees a familiar face and breaks into a grin.

"Stevie!" He closes the distance between them and hugs his friend impulsively. Steve chuckles again.

"Hey Buck!" Steve revels in the way Bucky's arms linger around him for just half a second longer than any other friendly hug. He likes the way he fits snugly in Bucky's arms, his cheek resting against the taller boy's shoulder.

Bucky's blushing slightly when he pulls away. He looks down and rubs the back of his neck. Steve's still grinning at him.

"It's nice to see you in person." Steve offers. Bucky smiles at him again.

"Yeah, you too."

Steve shows him around Central Park and takes him to do other touristy things, like walking around Times Square. It's getting late by the time they decide to head back. Steve walks him to his hotel and they stand awkwardly by the front door.

"Thanks for showing me around, I had fun." Bucky's face has been lit up the whole time he's been with Steve. He can't stop smiling.

Steve takes a small step towards his friend. "Any time. I did too." He blushing a bit but relief sweeps over him when Bucky opens his arms for another hug. When they pull away Steve lets his grip slide to Bucky's hands. His friend smiles at him.

"So, coffee tomorrow?" Steve looks up at him.

"Sounds like a plan. See you around 10?"

"Sounds good to me." Bucky smiles to himself as Steve walks down the street. He's in so deep he's not sure he'll be able to handle being across the country from this boy again. He heads up to his room and gets ready for bed, going through the pictures he took that day and smiling at the selfies with Steve before falling asleep.  

***

The next morning he rushes to get ready to meet Steve and somehow the blond beats him to Starbucks anyway. Bucky sees him through the window, working intently on a drawing probably, stopping for a moment to sip some kind of Frappuccino by the looks of it. Bucky wonders how it would taste on his lips. He makes his way in, stopping at the counter for an iced coffee before putting cream and sugar in it at the condiment bar and then dropping into the chair opposite Steve.

The smaller boy looks up from his drawing and smiles. "Morning, Buck." Bucky returns the smile.

"Morning." He clasps his hands in front of him on the table. "So whatcha working on?"

"Just doodling. Killing time before you got here." He closes the sketchbook and takes another sip of his drink, licking his lips absently before looking at his friend again. He's acutely aware of Bucky's gaze. The other boy seems entranced though Steve can't figure out why. The brunette bites his lip for a moment before apparently reaching some sort of decision with himself. Slowly, he reaches across the table, tugging gently on the front of Steve's band t-shirt and pulls him into a kiss. It's soft and slow, exploring. Bucky licks along his lower lip and the other boy opens for him. Steve tastes like his frappuccino, caramel. Bucky smiles to himself, it might be his new favorite flavor. Bucky nips at his bottom lip before releasing him. Steve looks dazed but he's smiling. Bucky returns it shyly.

Bucky's gaze doesn't falter. "I've wanted to do that since I was 12."

"Isn't that when Natasha first kissed you?"

"Yeah. I liked it, but I spent the rest of that night wondering what it would have been like if it had been you." Steve blushes at this.

"Wow we're dumb. We've both been hiding the fact that we've liked each other for years." Bucky nods, chuckling.

Bucky looks nervous again. "Yup. So what does this mean for us?" He clasps his hands again in order to keep from fidgeting. Steve places one of his over Bucky's.

"Well, I'd like to give this a shot if you do. I know long distance can be hard but it might be worth it." Bucky smiles at him and takes his hand.

"I think you're right." They smile.

***

They spend the rest of Bucky's trip wandering the city, just being together. The end of the week comes too soon and Steve sees Bucky and his mother to the airport. Sitting in the terminal, Bucky has his arm around Steve. His mother is off getting coffee. Bucky turns and presses a kiss to Steve's temple.

"I wish I didn't have to go." Steve turns and pecks his lips.

"Me too. I wanna keep you here all to myself." Steve buries his face in Bucky's shoulder. Bucky smiles and runs his fingers through soft blond hair. Winifred comes back and the boys stay curled up together until they hear the announcement that it's time for them to board. Bucky stands, pulling Steve with him. He kisses him softly and then takes his hand.

"Bye." He squeezes Steve's hand gently and Steve squeezes back before hugging him tightly.

"Bye. Have a safe trip and let me know when you get home, okay?" Bucky smiles.

"I will." They wave and Steve's eyes follow them until Bucky boards. He stays in the airport, watching until the plane taxis and takes off.

***

A few short weeks later Bucky stands in his living room with Natasha, who decided it was her duty as his best friend to make sure he didn't show up to Prom dateless. She didn't mention that she knew he agreed because he wished he could be going with Steve instead. She smiles at him as he offers his arm, his mother already snapping pictures. When she has sufficiently blinded them with the flash he asks her to take one with his phone so he can send it to Steve. She smiles.

"I still can't believe you kept in touch after all these years, and then fell for each other." He puts on his most dazzling smile when she snaps the picture.

Bucky sends the picture to Steve and the response is almost instantaneous. 

 **Steve: Wow Buck, you really clean up nice. Have fun tonight! :)**  He grins at his phone and shoots back a quick response before slipping it into his pocket. Steve's prom was the week before and Bucky would be lying if he said the picture Steve had sent him hadn't loosed a swarm of butterflies in his stomach and sent his blood rushing south. He might have set it as the home screen on his phone. 

***

Bucky's finally made his decision on college, all that's left is to send in his deposit and to tell Steve.

The blond is just finishing dinner when he gets the call.

"Hey! What's up?" He's smiling when he picks up.

"Hey Stevie, I have great news!"

"What? You win the lottery?" Bucky can hear the smirk in his boyfriend's voice.

The brunette gets a shit eating grin of his own. "No, but you sure did! I'm going to Fordham in the fall!" 

"Buck, that's amazing! And I have some news for you too. I don't know if I told you, but I applied there too and that's where I'm going." Bucky lets out a whoop of excitement.

"That's awesome baby! I can't wait to get back there."

"Me too." 


	4. University

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Bucky go to college and life falls apart.
> 
> *warnings for mentioned chain-smoking and alcohol abuse.

Steve feels an arm wrap around his waist and the box of Poptarts he's struggling to put on a shelf being pulled from his hand. "Hey!"

Bucky chuckles, placing the box on the top shelf of Steve's front hall closet-turned pantry and winding his other arm around the small blond. Steve turns in his arms and smiles. He wraps his own arms around his boyfriend and remains on tip toe to kiss him. Bucky slides a hand up his back and into his hair, keeping him in place and deepening the kiss. Steve nips his bottom lip playfully and pulls away, staying in Bucky's arms but now standing flat foot. Bucky smiles down at him and pushes their foreheads together.

"I missed you." Steve sighs and wraps his arms around the taller boy's shoulders.

"Missed you too. You all finished moving in?"

"Yup. You need any help?" Steve shakes his head and moves to take Bucky's hand, leading him down the hall to his room. He closes the door behind them and falls back on his neatly made up bed, leaning up on his elbows and looking expectantly at Bucky.

The brunette smirks and leans down to kiss him. Artist's hands wind into his shirt and pull him down. Bucky chuckles and moves onto the bed beside Steve. He looks at Steve for a moment, "your roommate?" Steve smirks.

"He's helping a friend move in, won't be back for a few hours." Bucky rolls onto his back, pulling Steve on top of him and resuming their kiss. Steve slides his hands up Bucky's sides, underneath his t-shirt. The other boy's hands are in his hair, anchoring him in the kiss before pulling back slightly and turning the blond's head so he can kiss down his neck and suck a dark hickey there. Smirking, he admires his handiwork. "Really, Buck?" But Steve's smiling too and dives back in. He revels in the feeling of Bucky beneath him and his hands go to Bucky's belt. He pulls back and looks into the other boy's eyes. Bucky nods and Steve undoes it along with his fly. He starts to work them down his hips when his phone rings. He stops and glances at it laying on the nightstand. His brow furrows when he sees that it's his mother calling. Sitting back on Bucky's thighs and looking apologetically at him he sighs. "This'll just take a minute, I'm sorry." Bucky looks up at him and shrugs, telling Steve that it's fine. Steve reaches for his phone and picks up.

"Ma?"

"Hi honey. I'm sorry to interrupt if you were still unpacking but I just called because I have some bad news." Steve goes cold.

"Oh no, I just finished. What's up?" Bucky notices the tenseness in his voice and places a reassuring hand on his hip.

"Well I haven't been feeling well lately, I've been feeling weak, getting dizzy. I went to the doctor and I'm afraid it's cancer." Silence as Steve covers his face with his free hand. Bucky notices how he's gone completely rigid and tries to rub comforting circles on his hip. Steve doesn't seem to notice and he's started to shake.

"Mom, no. It can't be." 

"Honey, please don't have a conniption. They caught it early and tomorrow I'm talking more in depth about treatments with the doctor. I'll keep you posted."

"How am I just not supposed to freak out?"

She sounds tired. "I'm sorry for dropping this on you but I thought you had the right to know." He makes an aggravated noise.

"Thanks. Go get some rest, okay? Let me know if there's anything you need and tell me how it goes tomorrow."

"I will sweetie, thank you. And tell Bucky hello for me, alright?"

"Yes, Ma." They hang up and Steve drops his phone next to them on the bed. Bucky opens his arms, an invitation for Steve to curl up on him. He does, burying his face in his boyfriend's shoulder. Bucky just holds him, one arm securely around his back and the other hand gently running through golden hair. Every once in a while he presses a kiss to Steve's temple. He doesn't draw attention to the fact that Steve is crying quietly, he just tries to be there for him.

Bucky just keeps rubbing his back and running a hand through his hair until he tires himself out. The brunette coaxes him to move beside him on the bed. He does up his jeans again before turning onto his side, pulling Steve into him again. Eventually, Steve drifts off.

When he wakes up it's dark out and Bucky is still beside him. He turns to face him. "Hi." Bucky offers a small smile.

"Hi. Feeling better?" He smooths Steve's floppy hair out of his face. The blond nods.

"Thanks."

"For what?" Bucky's fingers trail from his hair down his cheek.

"Just...being there." He nestles into Bucky's shoulder, wrapping his arms around him tightly. Bucky follows suit and squeezes back just as hard.

"Of course, baby. Anything you need, you know that." He smiles at Steve, who raises his head to look at him. The smaller boy initiates a chaste kiss and smiles back at him. Steve thinks he may just survive this, as long as he has Bucky beside him. 

***

 As the next few months pass, Sarah responds well to her treatment. Steve is reassured only slightly, it's always in the back of his mind. Bucky tries to keep him focused on his school work and on having fun. Sometimes he goes with Steve to visit her on the weekends.

It's not until November of their Junior year that Sarah's health takes a turn for the worst. Steve decided commuting to school was the best option so Sarah wouldn't be left unattended during the week. He and Bucky are sitting with her in their living room when she tells them.

 "The doctor says I'm no longer responding to the treatment." It hangs in the air like the blade of a guillotine, and Steve feels it like a punch to the gut. Bucky squeezes his hand. Sarah looks at them and gives a rueful smile. "But you know what? You're going to be okay, Steve." He takes her hand, gripping gently.

"Please don't talk like that, Ma. You're gonna be fine, you have to be." He's doing his best to hold back tears. She cups his cheek.

"I'm sorry honey, but that's the reality of it." Steve shakes his head.

"No." Tears slide down Steve's face. Sarah wipes them away and kisses his cheek. 

After a while she nods off and Bucky decides it's time to get back to his dorm. Steve shows him out of the small apartment. They stand by the door and he wraps the smaller boy in his arms. Steve is stiff but leans against Bucky. After a minute he wraps his arms around his boyfriend's waist. Bucky slips a finger beneath his chin, making him look up into his eyes. "I'm really sorry, baby." Steve closes his eyes, more tears slipping out.

"It's not fair."

"No it's not. But, I'm with you 'til the end of the line. I'm not going anywhere." He tightens his hold on the blond just slightly, as if to prove his point. Steve tries to give him a small smile but just can't muster the strength. Bucky kisses his temple. "I love you." Steve looks up at this.

"Love you too, Buck. Get back safe, okay?" The brunette squeezes him once more before releasing him.

"I will, you get some rest." Steve gives a half-hearted nod.

***

Over the next few weeks Steve becomes more distant. Bucky tries to tell himself he's just busy taking care of Sarah, doing homework, drawing, etc. but he knows it's more than that. He can't help the twinge of worry every time he texts Steve, knowing he won't get a near-immediate response like he used to. He knows it's a ridiculous thing to let upset him but he can't help wishing Steve would let himself lean on Bucky. 

 **Bucky: Morning, baby. How's Mom?** Their routine, down to calling Sarah 'mom' at her request. The thought makes Bucky smile, even now. He has so much respect for the wonderful woman who raised an equally wonderful boy. Bucky knows his text will go unanswered for a while so he gets up and gets dressed before heading to the dining hall before their Saturday brunch hours are over.

After stuffing himself with barely edible pancakes he returns to his dorm and fires up his Xbox. He loses himself in Call of Duty until his phone rings. Pausing, he answers without checking who it is.

"Hello?"

For a moment there's only the labored breathing of someone struggling not to cry.

"Stevie, where are you, what can I do?" Bucky tries to stay calm, he's not sure if it's for Steve's sake or his own. There's a deep breathe on the other end.

"The hospital, she just collapsed, Buck. God, I don't know." The dam breaks and Steve sobs. Before he even knows it, Bucky's on autopilot to the hospital.

He spots the small blond leaning against the wall outside Sarah's room. His eyes are closed. Bucky doesn't even think, he just pulls Steve into his arms. His head it tucked under Bucky's chin and he's clinging to him like a life raft. Bucky's got one arm around his thin shoulders and the other resting on his head. They're swaying back and forth slightly. Steve sobs brokenly before shoving the other boy away. Bucky backs up a step, stunned. He hadn't realized Steve even had the strength to move him.

"Baby-" He doesn't get the chance to finish.

"Just stop. I'm so sick of this - of watching her suffer, of losing her, being coddled, just everything! I can't handle it anymore!" Bucky flinches like he's been slapped. Steve's looking at him with unapologetic anger. He's breathing hard enough that it makes Bucky hope he has his inhaler on him. Not that he'd be likely to use it right now. Bucky holds his hands out in surrender and tries to ignore the ache in his chest.

"Okay, Steve. What do you want me to do?" Steve growls and turns from him, eyes on the ceiling. 

"I don't know, Buck. I feel like the walls are closing in on me and there's nothing I can do. I just need space from all of this." He glances over his shoulder and if he catches the pained look on his boyfriend's face he doesn't acknowledge it.

Bucky takes a deep breath, willing his voice to be calm. "What do you mean? You breaking up with me?" He closes his eyes.

He turns back to Bucky, emotionless. "I guess so. I don't think I'm in the right head space to be in a relationship right now." Bucky looks at the ground, the muscles in his jaw twitch and his throat tightens as he tries to hold back the tears. Crossing his arms and leaning his shoulder against the wall he lets his eyes wander over Steve.

"Alright. I guess this is the end of the line, then." He pushes past him, into Sarah's room. "Hope you don't mind if I see her." He doesn't give the blond a choice though, his stride is slow and determined. Steve watches from the doorway as he sits in the chair next to Sarah's bed. He looks down at her, his brows furrowed. He takes her hand gently and she stirs.

Sarah opens her eyes to find Bucky sitting where her son had been keeping watch over her when she fell asleep. She smiles at him weakly. "Hi, honey. What are you doing here?" Her voice is soft. He's aware that Steve is watching them but doubts he can hear. He's glad.

Bucky runs his thumb over the back of her cold hand. "Steve called and said you were here, I had to come see you." He hopes she misses the way he almost chokes on her son's name. She squeezes his hand gently.

"Such a sweet boy. He's lucky to have you, you know? Thank you for being here for him, he really needs it." Bucky tries not to flinch at her words, he feels like someone's lodged a knife in his chest.

"I'd do anything for both of you, you know that." She smiles again and pats his cheek. Despite the hollowness in his chest he knows deep down, the words are still true. He wants nothing more than to break down and cry on Sarah's shoulder, to ask her how to fix all this, but he doesn't. It's not about him. Steve needs space, well then that's what Bucky will give him. 

"I love you, Mom." Steve won't let him comfort him, but it would taste a lie to say it didn't give Bucky some sort of relief to say these words to Sarah. She's become a second mother to him and by loving her he feels he's still able to hold onto loving Steve because he's part of her.

Smiling, she responds, "I love you too, honey. And so does Steve. You've been so good to him, please don't be put off when he acts out. He needs you and he knows it, let him come to terms with it on his own. He won't hear it from anyone." Bucky smiles tightly at her. She chuckles, not noticing Bucky's discomfort. "Let's be honest, my son can be a pain in the ass. But it's only because he feels so deeply. Given time, he'll come around." Bucky nods silently. Sarah looks tired so he takes this as his cue to head out. he stands and leans over to kiss her cheek and give her hand one last squeeze. 

"Bye."

"Bye, Bucky."

He keeps his head held high on the way out, only making eye contact with Steve out of the corner of his eye. He fights the urge to turn around and beg him to rethink his decision every step of the way. He stops at a convenience store on the way back to his dorm and picks up a pack of cigarettes. It's half empty by the time he gets back.

***

Sarah's memorial is on a cloudy day that spring. Their relationship can hardly be counted as friendly, but Bucky owes it to Sarah to go. Dressed in his best and standing alone at the service he has no more tears to shed. He remembers the last time he saw her, that day in the hospital. She told him Steve would come around. He hasn't yet and Bucky isn't counting on it. He doesn't really know what to do. Some part of him still loves Steve but he also kind of just wants to punch him in the teeth. He sneaks a peek at the blond from across the casket. He's staring intently at Bucky and he looks like hell. Even skinnier than normal, dark bags under his eyes. Bucky's heard through the grapevine that he's been missing class, and that he had started drinking during Sarah's last few months. People keep going up to him, hugging him and giving their condolences. A part of Bucky wants to be right there next to him. He takes some smug comfort in the fact that his gaze always comes back to Bucky after each exchange. At this point he'll settle for being stared at if he can't be there to hold Steve's hand. 

The group starts to dissipate after the service and laying flowers on Sarah's casket. Steve lingers, as is expected. Bucky hangs back slightly as well. Half hoping and half dreading that Sarah was right and Steve will want to at least talk to him. He shakes his head and starts to head out when he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns and sees Steve. He tries to keep his expression neutral. "I'm sorry for your loss." He hopes it doesn't sound as mocking as it feels. He is sorry for Steve, but he's also hurting too. 

"Thanks." Steve offers weakly. He looks up at Bucky for a moment. "Well, I'll see you around, I guess." Bucky sighs.

"I guess."

***

Bucky shuts himself up in his dorm room when he gets back. he doesn't talk to anyone, just lays on his bed and closes his eyes. He wants to figure out what to make of his exchange with Steve but he doesn't have the energy. He winds up nodding off for more than a few hours. He wakes to the sound of his phone ringing. Foggy and disoriented he looks at the caller ID - Peter Quill, a mutual friend of his and Steve's. He scrubs a hand over his eyes before answering.

"Peter? What's going on? It's 2am."

"Yeah I'm sorry man, and I know this is a long shot but have you heard from Steve? He just disappeared after the service. No one's heard from him since." Bucky's never been so close to having a panic attack as he is in this moment.

"No, did he say anything to anyone? Anything at all that might tell us where he would go?"

"I don't think so, the last time I saw him he was muttering something about messing up and 'the end of the line'. Whatever that means." Bucky forgets how to breathe for a moment.

He gets out of bed, grabbing his keys and ignoring the fact that he's still in his suit from the service. "I know where he is. I'm going to get him, I'll bring him back to my dorm kicking and screaming if I have to." 

They hang up and Bucky halls ass to Central Park. And just where he thought he'd find him, on the bench where they first met, is Steve. Bucky sighs in relief. Rounding the bench he crouches down so he's eye level with Steve. The blond looks right through him for a minute. Bucky places a hand carefully on his knee.

"Hi, Steve." This gets his attention. He looks at Bucky with wide, curious, and very drunk eyes.

"Bucky. What'r you doin' here?"

"I came to get you." He stands slowly, offering his hand to Steve. The other boy just glances at it before looking up into Bucky's eyes again.

"No you didn't. I dunno why you're here but you don't want me." Bucky sighs and hopes his voice come out soft, reassuring.

"What are you talking about, Stevie? Of course I want you. That's why I came to find you. You have a lot of people worried." Steve shakes his head vehemently.

"Nahh, don't have anybody. Ma's gone-" He hiccup-sobs in a way that sounds painful. "An' I pushed you away." His eyes are still wide and they bore into Bucky's. The brunette's brows furrow and he moves to sit next to the other boy. Tentatively, he puts an arm around Steve, pulling him in. Even now it's still his instinct to protect him. Steve doesn't resist like Bucky thought he might. Instead he burrows into the other boy's arms like he's been starved for affection. It makes Bucky's heart clench.

"You've still got me, Stevie. Now why don't you come back with me, get some sleep, and we can talk about all this in the morning?" Steve stares at Bucky in what looks like disbelief while he considers it.

"Dunno if I can walk though." He almost looks ashamed. Bucky can't help but smile ruefully before untangling Steve from his arms and standing up, taking him with him.

"That's alright, it's not that far." He stands with his back to a very confused Steve. He motions for Steve to hop on his back, which he reluctantly does. He carries Steve like this the whole way back to the dorm. When they're halfway there, Steve breaks the silence.

"Hey Buck?"

"Yeah, Steve?"

"I miss you." It probably shouldn't make Bucky happy to hear that, but it does. 

"I miss you too." 


	5. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tying up loose ends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to have this tie back into the prompt (sending their teachers thank you letters or something) but it just got away from me and then fluff happened. Oops.

Bucky is woken up by an agonized groan from the bed above him. He buries his face in the pillow and ignores the ache in his back from sleeping on the floor. 

"Bucky?" Slowly he turns over and glances up at the blond in his bed, who looks confused and very hung over. He sits up, stretching in the process. He doesn't miss the way Steve's eyes follow him, or the slightly guilty and sad look on his face.

"Mornin' Stevie." He tries to sound nonchalant.  What he really wants to do is sit on the bed and wrap him in his arms. Steve said he missed him last night, but drunken confessions don't give him the right to assume anything about their relationship.

Steve looks like he's contemplating something. "Did I- What happened last night?" Bucky gets up and sits next to him on the bed, careful to keep some distance between them.

"Apparently you disappeared after the service. I got a call from Peter and went to find you after he told me you had been missing. You were pretty drunk." Steve covers his face with his hands and groans again.

"Fuck. I'm sorry. You didn't have to do that." Bucky smiles sadly.

"I know. I wanted to. Just because we broke up doesn't mean I stopped caring. I was so worried last night. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if anything happened to you." He doesn't look at Steve while he speaks. His eyes remain on this hands, locked together in his lap. He starts slightly when he feels a hand on his shoulder. He looks up.

"Really?" Steve's moved closer, kneeling at his side. Hesitantly, he runs his knuckles down Bucky's cheek, and then letting his open palm rest there. Bucky leans into the touch slightly as his eyes close. Neither moves for a beat, but then Steve takes a deep breath and leans in slowly, pressing his lips to the other boy's softly. The brunette sighs against his lips and allows his own hands to weave themselves into Steve's hair. The kiss ends after a few moments and Steve pushes their foreheads together. Bucky's eyes are wide.

"Yeah, really, Punk." They chuckle and Bucky wraps an arm around him and pulls him in. Steve looks at him.

"I'm really sorry. For everything, I mean. Freaking out, pushing you away, ending it. You were so supportive and I shut you out. I hurt you and I didn't realize how lucky I was until I fucked it up." Bucky's running his free hand through his hair.

"Thank you." Bucky releases him but slips a finger under his chin, gently guiding him into another kiss. It's shorter than the first but just as sweet. Steve brushes a few stray hairs back when they pull away. There's a look of determination in his eyes that Bucky's unsure what to make of. The blond moves to get off the bed and Bucky's hand trails after him. He doesn't go far though, standing immediately in front of the other boy.

"I realized what a huge mistake I made breaking up with you, and I'm so sorry. I understand if it's not something you can forgive, but I know now that if you'll still have me I never wanna be without you again." Bucky wonders if he's hallucinating when Steve takes his hands and gets down on one knee. The blond looks up at him with so much hope. "Will you marry me, Buck?" Instead of answering he grabs a fistful of the t-shirt he offered Steve to sleep in last night and hauls the boy to his feet, kissing him hard. Steve's hands go to his face, holding him as if he's the most precious thing he's ever known. Bucky's arms wind around Steve's waist and yank him as close as physically possible. They pull away with a few small pecks, not able to get enough of each other, and there are tears in Bucky's eyes. Steve wipes them away when they fall and kisses him again, soft and slow; reassuring him that he's not going anywhere ever again. They pull away again and Bucky looks up at him like he's just given him the best gift ever.

"Yes. Yes, I'll marry you." He leans back on the bed, grinning and pulling the blond with him. 


End file.
